Free, Sex. Free, Yourself: Sex is never just sex. Sex is a complex and multilayered act. It’s emotional. It’s relational. It’s psychological. It’s cultural. Looking at sex through a multidimensional lens can bring us to understand why so many, if not all, people have sexual issues. Sexual issues are related to a variety of nonsexual relational, emotional and cultural experiences.  

Sex is essentially based on a relational dynamic that brings about an emotional experience within your body. This emotional experience then leads to sexual desire or feelings of arousal and pleasure. You might think, “but what about the pleasurable sex I had with a stranger?” Perhaps it was exactly the anonymity of the relational dynamic with the stranger that increased your arousal. Or “what about the insane orgasm I had yesterday after I masturbated?” But did you not fantasize about someone or had a certain context and relational dynamic in mind? The dynamic of the relationship (short or long) is creating meaning and ends up influencing our sensory experience. The relational and emotional interaction (what ever it may be) influences our sexual experience.

Unsatisfying relational dynamics would lead to unsatisfying sex or no sexual desire or attraction to start with. Passive aggression, conflict, disrespect, disappointment and no effort shown are not the suited dynamics for a pleasurable sexual experience. We might start to withhold sex from our partner, unconsciously saying, “we need to address our dynamics”, because it is everything that happens before and after sex that adds to making it an astonishingly arousing and satisfying experience or just plain dreadful.

The dynamic that we long for may not be the same our partner longs for. Perhaps the difference has been acknowledged, but we are struggling to work around it. It could also be that we are doubtful of what our partner likes or dislike, and maybe we are totally unaware of or removed from our own sexual likes or dislikes. The conversation around our preferences might be too uncomfortable, scary and sensitive to address with them and even with ourselves.

We all grew up in a culture that were to some extent sex phobic. Sex is a taboo subject. It is a word you do not dare say out loud, and completely disregard even the thought of expressing your sexual desires. Your culture & society’s views around sex greatly shapes yours and your experience. We start internalising our culture’s view from a very young age. Before we can even discover ourselves sexually, we get taught about the dangers revolving around sex. Perish the thought of having a desire for sexual gratification. Unfortunately, this causes us to learn that sexual desire and pleasure is shameful, and it provokes anxiousness around it, short-circuiting desire. Sexual desire and interactions are now red flagged, and a fear around sexual desire and pleasure has been manifested psychologically and physiologically. And we be full of wonder on why we are hugely out of touch with our own sexuality and preferences (to the extent that we believe we have no desire for sexual interaction), or why it is remarkably awkward to have a conversation about it with our partner. We end up completely sexually disempowered and disinterested, causing for sexual problems internally and relationally.

To feel sexually empowered and work through our sexual issues we must unlearn the cultural rules we were taught about sex. It will take intentional and continuous work. Sex becomes something that is newly learned, a skill that develops through open and good communication about your preferred relational dynamic, pushing through the discomfort, sharing fantasies, being directive verbally and behaviourally, freeing yourself to a variety of pleasurable experiences, experimenting with your own body, being vulnerable and stop policing sexual thoughts, desires and preferences. If you want more pleasure, it is yours for the taking.